I have OCD, but not like the regular kind. I don’t need things to be organised, nor do I stress out over dirt, and I don’t need to close a door 8 times to leave the house.
The form my OCD, and I’m sure many other’s takes, is more mental. For me, a thought will come to me and won’t leave for fucking ages. It’s like a little piece of blu tac sticks to your brain and doesn’t drop off until either you’ve completed a ritual, be it mental or physical, analysed the situation heavily enough, or perhaps just waited it out until you actually don’t care anymore. On a good day it could be 30 seconds, on a bad day; hours. Sometimes you are forced to get on with your day and although you’re distracted you know the blu tac is still there, though you can’t remember the content of it. The best part about it all, is that my number of choice, for as long as I can remember has been 4. Great number. Solid number. Number of champions. But anyway- when that little piece of blu tac has dropped off, I literally pick it up and put it back 3 more times, so I feel settled. (This is all metaphorical, to help make the process clearer, there isn’t actually an blu tac involved, contrary to the psychiatrists report).
The fab thing about it is that for me, 100% of the thoughts I obsess over are negative. Again, I’m lucky in the sense I don’t have suicidal or thoughts of harm towards myself or others, but they’re still distressing. It could be over a night out I went on in which I got a little too drunk, an interaction I had with someone that I think could’ve portrayed me incorrectly, or just a complete hypothetical situation that were it to happen, would be awful.
I can spend up to an hour in my room, paralysed physically but on a bloody rollercoaster mentally, dealing with the obsessive thoughts that come to me (if I’m ever missing, find me stood in the middle of my room staring at my floor like I’m possessed.) And like, I would go downstairs and socialise to distract myself but I know the blu tac will still be there so why bother ey?
On a good day I’ll have 3-5 obsessive thoughts, on a bad day up to 10-15, which is really effing time consuming! I can be alone it bed and be hit with one or sat in a lecture and something the lecturer says could set me off, or perhaps it’ll be a day dream. I can be affected by a joke someone tells, a picture on a wall or a song. I’m easy, me. :):):)
It began to take over so much of my life and shut me out from so many social interactions, all because I was either too scared to go and risk someone saying/doing something I’ll obsess over for time, or I will go, and just spend my time there not engaging because other things are occupying my mind. In writing this post I’ve already spent 3 minutes staring at my desk sorting out some obsessives. God, love it.
Anyway, I thought I’d just jot down my mental craziness in the hope that one person reads it and relates and doesn’t feel like they’re mental too. I read one article in a magazine about a girl who had intrusive thoughts and OCD and it was such a God send that I knew someone else out there felt like I did and it was actually a thing, not just my own weird habits.
Good news though dun dun duuunnnn is that it’s all treatable. Often I’ve felt like either I’m too far gone or these thoughts are real so they can’t be treated, but it’s not the case. Your physical affects the mental and like with any other mental illness, you’re imbalanced, and theres a way to sort it. For me, I’m starting antidepressants at a fucking stupidly high dosage (legend) in an attempt to shut the shit doWN, but also taking a course of CBT to gimme dat long lasting effect for a happy life can I get a hell yeah.
It’s all good and I have a bomb support team. Super important to remember the thoughts you have are not your own nor are they worth the obsession (not that that will help, I know). Go and get help, stop watering the OCD plant and rip it from the roots before it gets worse. Hurrah.